After years and years of destroying a relationship by avoiding conflict, burying my head in the sand and imagining that everything was perfect I’ve decided it is time to grow up. The relationship is not dead yet, although it has been flat-lined for quite some time.
I don’t want it to die…..I’ve never wanted it to die. Although it’s been more important to me to avoid things than feel uncomfortable and deal with them. So, now I am learning how to get in touch with who I am. Learning how to keep grounded in reality instead of off in some fantasy land.
I started this journey by taking a personality test…..it is called the Enneagram Test. I discovered through this test that I am a Type 9. After reading what that meant, I was shocked! I have never taken any sort of test or quiz that pegged me so perfectly. I know this probably won’t be true for everyone, but it really worked for me.
I’m sure I will go into detail on Type 9 traits as this blog continues but here is a brief overview -
Healthy Type 9 - Deeply receptive, accepting, unselfconscious, emotionally stable and serene. Trusting of self and others, at ease with self and life, innocent and simple. Patient, unpretentious, good-natured, genuinely nice people.
Unhealthy Type 9 - Can be highly repressed, undeveloped, and ineffectual. Feel incapable of facing problems: become obstinate, dissociating self from all conflicts. Neglectful and dangerous to others. Wanting to block out of awareness anything that could affect, them, they dissociate so much that they eventually cannot function: numb, depersonalized.
Unfortunately I am deeply in the unhealthy section. It’s dangerous to me and others. So, I have decided to work my way out. The ways I am trying to do that is to concentrate and focus on everything that happens. Stop the daydreaming, and live in the real world. Which might seem silly, but I am a master at daydreaming…..my brain is always somewhere else.
I know it will be hard, and I’m not expecting perfection but I am somewhat looking forward to the challenge. And saving a relationship that means the world to me fortunate byproduct. Because I can’t make this transformation for someone else.. I have to do it for me.
I am keeping this blog as a journal of my progress. By making it public, there is always the chance that it will help someone else on their journey as well.